Happy, happy, merry, merry. Whatever you celebrate or don’t, I wish you a lovely one.
I am taking a course about food. Food issues. It’s inviting a great deal of self-inquiry.
Which I am finding challenging.
I’m supposed to ask my belly if it’s hungry. And if it is then I ask what it wants.
We were invited to put everything on the table, so to speak.
I spoke of my sugar addiction and received permission to keep sugar off the table. During that discussion we talked about the consequences of eating a very specifically limited diet, the possibility that I would go on for a period of time, possibly long, that would end in an explosive need to consume sugar and be right back where I was. I am committed to this inquiry, I want to work my way through the layers and deal with what lies down there. I want to create a healthy relationship with food.
Despite permission to keep sugar off the table, my addiction heard that everything was on the table, so I dabbled in sugar.
It started with my mom’s birthday cake.
The one I baked for her. The traditional Swinchatt family birthday cake. It was super delicious.
That same week, on Thanksgiving, I had a piece of my mom’s pumpkin pie.
After that things were quiet.
Then Christmas came. And I, and my addiction, went a little bit nuts.
Today I threw out the final remaining Russell Stover Marshmallow Santa. I opened the package, tore it in a couple of pieces and covered it with garbage.
Why did I do this?
I did this because I am in customer service hell. I have been dealing with various agencies this morning, all of whom are either not listening to me, interrupting me, or contradicting things that other reps have told me.
During one of the calls I found myself asking the rep, very, VERY loudly - okay I was yelling, possibly at the top of my lungs - to let me finish my sentence.
In that moment I knew I was done.
I’m determined to get under the layers, whatever lies under my addiction, whatever it was that lead me down the path I’m on.
But I’m taking sugar off the table again.
I don’t know where my inquiries will lead me. I am determined to create a healthy relationship with food. Can I have a healthy relationship with food that involves sugar? I have no idea.
Based on everything I’ve read and experienced, I’m inclined to say no.
In class we’re learning that listening to the wisdom of our belly will serve us, which is no doubt true. I imagine that my belly, if I could hear it, would not be all about the sugar, but who knows.
But right now, my addiction is turning me into a raging lunatic bitch. As a raging lunatic bitch I’m not very good at self-examination. Without the self-examination I’ll never find out what it’s like to have a healthy relationship with food. Without self-examination I’ll never get to a place where I choose not to have sugar - as opposed to being ruled by a need to avoid it.
I may never get there. I may be living one day at a time when it comes to sugar for the rest of my life.
One thing’s certain, I’m getting rid of the raging lunatic bitch, she is really a horror show.