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Friday, July 25, 2014

Todays Theme: 7/14/14


7/14/14
This is my new favorite day, 7/14/14 - isn’t it beautiful?  I know what you’re thinking, yeah, okaaaaaay, this chick has finally and completely lost her mind.  July 14th was a lovely day and all, but why would it be her new favorite day?
For the record my general favorite day of the year is 17 October, 17 is my favorite number and October!  Seriously there are few better things than October in New England.
7/14/14
It’s just beautiful.
It’s the day I gave up sugar.
That’s right, I’ve been sugar free for 11 days.  Last night I had the best night’s sleep I’ve had in a long time.  I woke up before my alarm.  I swam longer than I’ve swum this year.  I’ve been composing haiku while I swim.  I count the syllables starting with the fingers on my left hand, as I swim.  Yesterday at work a client said I look like I’m losing weight.
I haven’t written for a long time because I didn’t have anything new to say.  It was the same old, same old - I ate sugar, I’m not sleeping well, I can’t get out of bed, I sit on my couch all day watching Netflix, I’m frustrated, I don’t know how to change, things need to be different, I know sugar is poison but I just can’t stop.
I’ve had some help getting to this place and I’m not going to talk about it right now, I’m keeping all the energy within me.  I’ll write about it in a few weeks.  I promise you will think it’s crazy and probably bogus.  All I can say is that I haven’t had any interest in sugar since the evening of 7/14/14.
There’s even some in my house that I have been meaning to chuck, but keep forgetting about.
I KEEP FORGETTING ABOUT THE SUGAR SITTING ON MY SIDE TABLE IN ARMS REACH OF MY SPOT ON THE COUCH.
Oh, it’s not just sugar, I’m only eating meat and vegetables.  No flour either.  Actually nothing processed, but that comes from the only eating meat and vegetables thing.
And I couldn’t feel better.
One friend said, after just four days, your eyes are brighter.  Another friend said, about a week in, you look great (fantastic, radiant - something like that I can’t remember exactly).
I had some challenges the first week.  I was kind of cranky and I was trying to figure out what to eat.  I’ve been having a lot of fish and corn, that’s sort of my treat for the day - a nice piece of salmon or trout and two ears of corn.  That just screams summer to me.  I’ve also been eating broccoli slaw with chicken and ham and cucumbers, omellettes with asparagus and ham and onions and some cheese.
And I’m only eating when I’m hungry.
It’s so satisfying to sit in my apartment relaxing on a day off - not constantly eating or thinking about food or contemplating a drive down to the convenience store for a Snickers bar.
Some days I’m insanely thirsty.  No idea why.  So I just throw down the water all day and keep moving along my merry way.
I swam a mile and a quarter this morning.

During the first leg I caught sight of a bird on one of my breaths.  I stopped and watched the local bald eagle fly right over my head.  So close I could see the coloration of his belly.  When I finished there was a family of ducks in the water right at the beach.  They weren’t phased by me, just ducking their heads under water for the plants and whatever that they were noshing on.
  I came home and cooked up some trout and two ears of corn and now I’m sitting on my deck looking across my lawn wondering, is it really greener than it was two weeks ago?  Are those flowers really yellower than they were before?
I committed to this program and had about three weeks to contemplate what I was setting myself up for.  At one point I thought, are you ready to never eat these things again?  At the time I was contemplating some food or other like Birthday Cake or something.
My answer, quiet and unobtrusive, was yes.  A very simple, yet profound and mind boggling, yes.
I was as shocked as you are.  Or as I imagine you are.
I posted to FB on the 4th day.  A friend responded: “I know that’s what I need to do but I refuse to come out of denial! My sugar is all part of ‘enjoying life’ . . . please tell me it gets easier every day.”  And this is someone who, I imagine, has a healthy relationship with food, sugar in particular.  She’s slender and active and a lovely and gentle woman (at least in my dealings with her).  As I say, I imagine - there is no way for me to know her whole story, just as no one knows my whole story, even though I write about it.
The point, in my head anyway, is that sugar is seen as part of the enjoyment of life.  For people who aren’t slaves to it, it certainly is.  
That fact doesn’t make it any better for those people, they just aren’t controlled by sugar.
The American Heart Association recommends no more than 100 calories of added sugar for women, about 6 teaspoons a day, and 150 for men, or 9 teaspoons.
An average soda contains 44 grams of sugar.  Or 11 teaspoons.
When we think of sugar as part of the enjoyment of life we consider birthday cake, fresh baked cookies, ice cream at the local joint in the summer.
We don’t think about ketchup, bread, Lean Cuisine, spaghetti sauce, yogurt, BBQ sauce, chips.
Yet it’s in all those things.  Lots of people won’t make it past breakfast without quadrupling the recommended daily intake of added sugars.  Breakfast cereal, coffee, breakfast bars, jams, protein shakes.  Even the healthy stuff has lots of sugar.  It may come in the form of organic rice syrup or honey, but it’s there.
For me, and I truly speak only for me, I have no desire to impose my belief or the path I am choosing on anyone, for me the path needs to be one that is sugar free.  I did it once and I got complacent and I fell back into the vat of sugar.  It didn’t happen overnight, it came in small increments, but it happened.  I got back to a place where sugar was as much a part of my life as it ever was.  I didn’t go back to recriminations, I didn’t go back to being depressed about my inability to be off sugar (except for the fact that sugar screws up my hormones and makes me depressed).  I ate the sugar and I owned who I was being.  I didn’t necessarily parade it, but I allowed my choices.
I can’t go so far as to say I honored my choices.  They weren’t the choices I wanted to be making and they weren’t honorable.
But I allowed them.  I had to, I wasn’t in control.
Ask anyone who knows me well and they will tell you (I’m pretty sure) that I am not weak willed.  I have taken on many challenges in my life - twice I went Outward Bound for 22 days (the second time I was the only woman and 12 years older than the next oldest participant), I have graduated from law school and passed the NY Bar (one of the two hardest in the country) on the first try, I have biked 550 miles around New England for the American Diabetes Association 10 times, I won my age group in an iron distance triathlon.
I am not a wimp.
But when I take that one bite of sugar, it will control me.  Not today, not tomorrow, maybe not even in six months.  But it will happen if I am not vigilant.
So I committed to this program and I realized this would mean that I may never, ever, ever eat sugar again.  And that thought made me happy.
There will be no wedding cake for me in September when my dear friends GearMan and LuLu get married.
There will be no Halloween candy when my mom stocks up.
There will be no pumpkin pie at Thanksgiving.  I confess, that one hurts a little and makes me think - one bite won’t hurt.  At which point my objective side smacks the other part and says, what are you?  An idiot?  Of course there will be no pumpkin pie.
There will be no Christmas cookies.
There will be no Birthday Cake.
No added sugar.
And that makes me happy.

Tuesday, June 3, 2014

Todays Theme: People help, even when they aren't aware, they help


I had plans for margaritas and a movie with my friend Malisa.  We have been doing this for years.  We have done it less in the last couple of years because she was becoming a doctor of physical therapy and our schedules haven’t melded very well.  We will probably do it less after July when she takes her big test and starts working.  I work weekends, she won’t.  It’s a bummer because we have a lot of fun catching up and then enjoying some ridiculous, or deep, or RDJ movie.
We had to move our plans because I got some extra work this afternoon.  My practice at Optimum Health Therapeutic Massage is growing and being available for that is among my top priorities.
So tomorrow I’ll meet Malisa at On The Border and we will have margaritas and catch each other up and laugh and marvel at whatever situation is causing challenges in the life of the other.  Then we will go to a movie.  We’re going to see The Other Woman, no RDJ movies were available.
I took a short walk, because the timing of all of this was going to be close, but then plans changed so I picked up my book, made myself a salad (broccoli slaw, pickling cuke, toasted almonds, onion, celery, chicken, ham, homemade vinaigrette) for breakfast and planted myself on the deck.
And I thought, I would really like to eat a Snickers at the movie.
But I won’t do that because Malisa will be there.
Not that there is any particular reason not to eat a Snickers in front of Malisa, it won’t cause her any problem.
But I won’t do it.
Just like I won’t, generally, consume any of the sugar stuff I want to eat when I’m around friends.  Maybe a little, sometimes, but not generally.
In the past it was because I just wanted to seem like everyone else, like sugar didn’t control my life.  I would eat the four or five candy bars I might have in a day when no one else was around.  I didn’t do that every day, but when I did do it, I was by myself.
Thinking about it today, it’s not shame that stops me from eating the Snickers in front of Malisa.  Or some other similar sugar thing in front of someone else.  And it isn’t because some people think of me as this healthfully focussed person that they can turn to for advice (because, shockingly, there are people who see me like that) and I don’t want them to see it, it isn’t because I care what people would think if they saw me eating some sugar thing.
Well, maybe it is a little of each of those things.
But mostly it’s because eating like a normal person, when I’m with other people, reinforces those choices - the ones I want to make - and it’s that much more time I’m not eating the crappy poison (aka refined sugar) that I don’t want to eat.
As I sat down on my deck I was thinking of sugary things in my house - marshmallows, Snickers, Chocolate Parfait Nips, and Black Cherry Clif Shot Bloks at the moment - and part of me wanted that.  Sit down with a good book and enjoy the comfort of the poison.
Sounds kind of stupid doesn’t it?  No judgement, it just sounds like a really bad plan.
Fortunately I chose differently.  And let me tell you, that salad I described above?  So delicious that I could have had a second buddha bowl of it.  A buddha bowl being a largeish bowl good for a one bowl meal (everything to be consumed containable in that one space).
  I might actually do it too, if all that fiber wasn’t so darn filling.
The thing is, I’m deeply in love with whole foods that are good for me.  I don’t like a wide variety, but I try new things and add whatever I can.  The other night my dad made this awesome stir fry - chicken, peppers, onion, garlic, carrots, cumin and lemon juice.  It was shockingly tasty.  And I’m not saying shockingly for effect, I was really shocked at how much I enjoyed this simple meal, I could have just kept on eating it, I had to force myself to stop.
When I’m eating sugar it takes a lot of effort to remember how much I like real, actual food.  Which is why people help, even when they aren’t aware - it’s easy to remember to eat like a human being when people are around.
So thank you people, I appreciate you.

Monday, June 2, 2014

Todays theme: I don't want to


I was going through my morning ablutions and I thought, I don’t want to.
I don’t want to give up sugar.
Oh [expletive deleted].  It began with an f and it was quiet and calm, but very powerful.
I believe it started with the number on the scale, which wasn’t even about me.  I looked at Bobby, my sweet kitty, last night and thought, you look kind of skinny.  So this morning I got on the scale with him and then by myself, to see if he weighed less than his normal 10.5ish pounds.

He didn’t.
But my number, the one that I thought had gone down a bit because my shorts are fitting better, had gone up a bit.
My immediate thought, when I took a moment, which was considerably after getting on the scale - you know checking e-mails for anything important, refreshing facebook, playing a couple of games - during my morning ablutions, was:
THAT’S IT, I’M DONE, NO MORE SUGAR.
Because I know that if I get off sugar and spend some time eating like a human being, the weight will come off.  And even if it doesn’t, I’ll still feel much better.
But I don’t want to.
{Expletive deleted}.
You might wonder why I put in the “[expletive deleted]”.  I do that because I really feel that expletives do not add to my writing, but I curse like a drunken sailor and that is part of the story.  So, back to the story.
I finished what I was doing, still sort of in shock at this thought.  This thought that I rebel against with most of the fibers of my being, clearly not all - otherwise I would give it up.  This thought that I don’t want to give up sugar.
I got up, walked to my armchair, picked up my computer and started writing this.  Then I had to let the cat out.  Which was when I realized it was way warmer outside than inside (I was sitting under a blanket on June 1st for crying out loud), so I got dressed and I’m sitting on my deck looking out at a beautiful green and blue day as I write this.

And that’s it.  I’m not sure where to go from here.  With this post and with my life.
This uncertainty, that is what exists in every fiber of my being.  I don’t have much structure in my life and the fluctuation of my work schedule doesn’t help.  I currently have four days committed to work.  Three of them equal 21 hours, but they aren’t regular.  Fridays I work 2-10, Saturdays 9-5 and Sundays 11-6.  Try setting up a framework for life that works with that schedule.  The fourth day I work at Optimum Health Therapeutic Massage in Westfield, MA, which is an amazing space where I love working (if you're local, give us a call and set up an appointment).  I don’t have set hours as we, my friend Christine and I, are working on building my clientele there, so at the moment I work whenever there is work.  So far it’s the afternoon.  But, again, try building a framework for life around that.
In the last few months I have looked at possible places to live, possible places to work, possible possibilities OH, and I didn’t have work for the month of May . . . it’s kind of stressful.  I’m open, I'm just not clear what the universe is offering.
A plethora of options is paralyzing.  For me anyway.  I said yes to a space for private massage and was excited about it, but it didn’t work for the person offering the space and it was withdrawn on short notice.  Fortunately I committed to Optimum Health Therapeutic Massage at the same time, made space for it and the universe seems to be filling that space.
Turning away from sugar, committing to a diet that I like, but don’t find comforting, all during this time of uncertainty . . .
Well, based on my statement this morning - I don’t want to - it’s a bit much.
So I am going to sit with that thought.  I am also going to eat well, exercise, do my work, write some, try to get through the 100 or so books sitting around my house that are on my list of things to read.
Yes, I will probably eat some sugar as well.
No, I will not beat myself up over it.
Yes, I will focus on cutting down.  I will also focus on that statement, I don’t want to, and how that could possibly cross my mind - you know given that I know sugar to  be poison.
And I will breathe.  Because that always helps.
I’ll let you know how it goes and what changes and what the universe opens up for me.  Keep your fingers crossed - I could use some abundance and peace.
Jai Bhagwan.

Friday, May 23, 2014

Todays Theme: Kindness


I have been “starting” The 10-Day Detox for a few days.  I had planned to start on Monday.  Didn’t happen.  I had sugar in the house.
Two days ago I really wanted Pringles.  I didn’t get them because I didn’t want to change out of my (fabulous aqua flannel with monkeys driving VW buses) pajamas.  Sometimes staying away from things you don’t want to eat is as simple as laziness or embarrassment.  In this case it was embarrassment, I really didn’t want to be the person who changed out of PJs, late at night to drive to the convenience store for junk food.  I certainly wasn’t going in my PJs.
And I figured I could get some the next day.
The next day, yesterday, I got a text at 7:58 AM asking if I wanted to do the Wednesday morning ride at 9:00 AM.  I was still in bed, slightly awake, but still in bed, with very little intention of getting up any time soon.  I almost said no, then I decided I could get myself ready pretty easily and I went.  It was fantastic, a perfect warm summer day in New England (and we only have about three of those), a beautiful route, fun people.  I was so glad I got out of bed.
Which is the point here, I got out of bed to ride because my friend reached out.  I would likely have stayed in bed, cleaned a little, gotten out for a walk later.  Maybe.  Maybe I would have gotten out for a walk, it really looked stormy in the afternoon and I probably would have allowed that to convince me to stay in.
It’s what I do, waste beautiful days, when I’m eating sugar.
I had every intention of grocery shopping later in the day.  Picking up some things I needed.  And a can of Pringles.
When I got home from the ride I had a bunch of Vanilla Tootsie Midgees.  I also got some cleaning done.  Then I completely crashed in the afternoon.  Like lie down in bed, fully clothed and pass out crashed.  I woke up, did some more cleaning, checked the time - it was 6:49!  I thought about heading out to the grocery store, but I didn’t want to put the time in to organizing what I wanted at such a late hour, especially when I knew that all I really wanted was the Pringles.  But there is a convenience store three miles away (it’s 10 to the nearest full grocery store) so I grabbed my keys and I was almost to my car when I talked myself out of it.
Back in my living room I continued the debate.  I really wanted the Pringles, but it was late.  And then I got in a conversation on Facebook with my friend Monique.  She said, “step away from the car keys.”  We chatted back and forth for a bit and I didn’t step out for Pringles.
One of the reasons I’m still “starting” the 10-Day Detox is I live alone.  I wouldn’t even sort of say that I don’t have a support system, I totally do.  But I live alone and calling someone in that support system isn’t always possible.  Plus, seriously, when a person really wants something they don’t really want - they won’t necessarily reach out to their support system.  Let me rephrase that - when I really want something, crave something, something that it is not really my intention to eat, when I really want it, sometimes I don’t want to be talked out of it, so I won’t reach out to my support system.
But like I said, my friend Monique was there last night telling me to step away from the car keys.
And because I didn’t have Pringles, and whatever other crap I would have picked up while I was there, I woke up early enough, and motivated enough, to go for a nice walk around Queechey Lake.  Along my walk I found an envelope that had fallen out of a mailbox, I put it back in the mailbox and let the people know it was there.  I saw the Columbia County road repair crew and thanked them - they really do the best road repair work I’ve ever seen.  They were a bit skeptical and asked where I’ve lived before.  When I said well, I’ve lived . . . and held up my hand to start counting on fingers they said, oh, you’ve lived a lot of places.  Thanks.  Then, getting close to home there was some garbage by the side of the road so I started picking it up.
I got home feeling so good about life.
I believe I’ve lost my train here, so I’ll round it up with lean on your support system, no matter how far spread they may be and be kind.  Kindness is a beautiful thing - the impact is felt on both sides of the equation.  And having been the recipient of very timely kindness I can assure you, you never know how truly significant the impact might be.

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Todays Theme: An Invitation


This post started as an FB post to my Athena’s, most of whom I’ve never met in person.  All of whom were brought together by the inimitable Leslie Battle, a Champion Athena as well as a champion of Athenas.
We are women who compete in triathlons and weigh more than 165 pounds.  We are awesome.  We get off our couches and we swim, bike and run and we often win.  And we do our best not to worry what other people think of how we look.
So, here is what I was planning to post for my Athenas:

Four years ago I competed in the Patriot Half Ironman.  My time was 6:08:11 and I was over the moon.  It would have been just under 6 as my coach and I anticipated if it wasn’t in the 90s that day.
Four years ago I competed in ChesapeakeMan.  My time was 14:19:25, which was good enough for an age group win.  Once again I was over the moon.  It was an amazing day.
Today I can’t run the 3.9 mile loop around the lake where I live, the 3.9 mile loop that was my go-to quick workout four years ago.
And I am okay with that.

Four years ago I weighted 135 pounds.  I had gotten down to 129.5, but had settled in at 135.  It slowly creeped back up to the 160s, but last fall I had gotten down to 152 and was steadily heading toward the 140s.
Today I weigh 178.
And.  I.  Am.  O.  K.  With.  That.

That is my story.  My story is that I am okay with all of these things.  Maintaining this story takes a bit of effort at times, but I’m okay with that.  See?  It’s working.  I put the effort into maintaining the story because being positive makes my life so very much better than being negative.  Focusing on where I was and what I could do makes it unpleasant to be where I am and what I can’t do.  Focusing on where I am and what I can do and what my future might hold is so much better.

My invitation to you today is to love your body.  No matter what it’s size or shape, love it.
My invitation to you today is to love your speed on the swim, the bike and the run, no matter what it is, love it.  
My invitation to you today is to love your race results, regardless.  A finish is a finish regardless of whether you were first or DFL.  Because even DFL beats all the people on the couch.  So love your results.
My invitation to you is to take pride in yourself, you deserve it.  Speak of yourself the way you would speak of a friend who has accomplished what you have accomplished, you deserve it.
You really do.

Saturday, April 5, 2014

Todays Theme: Stolen thunder


It’s been a long time since I posted.  I’ve been having a bad time with sugar and I’ve been feeling uninspired and fraudulent.
Several months ago I saw a program in the Kripalu catalogue, Deep Writing Workshop.  It sounded great.  A focus on writing with no one reading and critiquing.  I have no issue with people reading my work, or critiquing it, but I loved the idea of five whole days to focus on my writing, possibly with some insight into the process thrown in.
So I signed up and waited.
I waited to write.
Whenever things are hard my dad asks if I’m writing.  He’s been asking a lot the last several months and the answer has been no every time.  There has been so much going on there was no room in my head, or my schedule, for writing.
And I was waiting.
Plus, that whole fraud thing gets in my way.
Mostly I have been so overwhelmed with sugar and my inability to stay away from it.  Within that there has been nothing to write, my embarrassment was greater than my need to write and share.  How often can you say I went home and ate . . . whatever, without sounding whiney, possibly pathetic?  I wasn’t up to it.  I didn’t have the courage.
So there’s my confession, I was whiney and wimpy and pathetic.  And I ate sugar.  Lots of it.
The writing course ended yesterday.  We wrote every day for hours.  Except the first night, but that session was only an hour and a half.  And even then I think we wrote for almost an hour.  It’s amazing how easy it is when you are sitting in a room with 20ish people, writers, and the guy in the middle (we were sitting in a horseshoe) says, write.
I don’t know if you know, but I started this blog because I was deeply, deeply frustrated in my attempts to write a book about my struggle with sugar.  The working title of the book has been Just Say No To The Ho.  Four or five years ago I was having a discussion with my colleagues about my then recent obsession with HoHos.  One of my friends said, just say no to the ho!  We were hysterical.  And I chose that as the title for my book.  I love it as a book title, but I think it requires too much explanation to work.
Anyway, I would sit down and try to write a chapter.  My early years, when I realized I was addicted to sugar, how I gave up sugar in 09, tools to help you get off sugar and stay off sugar.  It was, possibly, the most frustrating thing I have ever tried to accomplish.  I would start on one subject, but it’s connected to six others, but those six others should be their own chapters and how do I keep them separate yet connect them and not make it all one damn run-on sentence?
I couldn’t.
I hyperventilated a lot.
So I started the blog.
Which has not taken off quite the way I would like, seriously people - share it with everyone you know!  Sorry, I had a moment.
Cause I was hoping this would be the book.
Because that would save me from the frustration of writing the damn thing.
I sat in that workshop and rewrote everything I had attempted to write years ago.  Everything.  In five days I wrote 50 some manuscript pages.  I sat with the discomfort.  When one subject horned in on another subjects pages, I let it.  I wrote every day, for hours.  When a thought popped up of something I needed to include, squirrel!  I didn’t run after it.  See what I did there?  Fun, right?  Anyway, I didn’t follow the squirrel.  I just noted the squirrel in a subcategory or new folder and ran after it when I was done with the current thought.
Oh, and I created a new project.  I’ve been keeping all my blog posts in the old project for Just Say No To The Ho, so I created a new project.  Lo and behold, the new project is shiny (not really, it just feels that way) and organized (it really is and that feels fantastic).  I look at the categories and subcategories and I think they make sense.  And I think they are in pretty good order.  And I think the words are pretty good, though I haven’t read any of them over.  I’m going to print them out for my dad to take a look at when we head to Maine tomorrow.
It was an amazing, long, relaxing, tiring and productive week.  If you are a writer in search of a great workshop, check out Eric Maisel.  If I had any money at all I’d be heading to Esalen next month for another workshop with him as my employer is shutting down for four weeks and there is no work to be had.
I got home from work last night and was catching up on FB when I saw this    
This woman, and her handsome husband and two beautiful daughters gave up sugar for a year and she wrote a book about it.
I learned this week that this falls into a genre called stunt nonfiction.  One woman wrote about the year her family ate locally, we talked about others I can’t remember.
Anyway . . .
I clicked the link, saw the beautiful family pictured, scanned the article and thought . . . crap.  I’m just a fat schlub who can’t stop eating sugar, why would anyone want to read about that? (In case you didn’t get it, the subtitle here is: why read my stuff when you can read about the beautiful family and their lovely experiment).  I haven’t read the book, so I don’t know for sure, but there was no angst in the article.  And we all know there will be plenty of angst in any book I write.
Buuuuuuut, as Eric would say, this is not a thought that serves me.  I will not let those thoughts put out the fire that I stoked so carefully this week.  I will not let those thoughts be a speed bump to my momentum.
I will finish The Book (that’s the working title, it doesn’t take as much explanation as Just Say No To The Ho).
Unfortunately, while it won’t lessen my momentum, it sure did lessen my sleep.  Bobby (my cat) went out at 4AM.  I went back to sleep.  Bobby wanted back in at 5:15.  Instead of going back to sleep I thought about that woman and her lovely family.
I got my computer out and wrote.

Thursday, January 16, 2014

Todays Theme: You just don't understand


I spent some time yesterday trying to explain to a friend why my house is cluttery and messy, given that I really don’t have things to get rid of.  She kept asking me questions that I answered to the best of my ability and she kept coming back with, I don’t understand.  I don’t understand why it was hard to get your tree out of your house.  (I took my Christmas tree down two days ago).  I don’t understand why there is clutter if you don’t have stuff you don’t need.  I understand about the table and the mat and the bike (I’m a massage therapist with a two room apartment who has a massage table, a thai massage mat and a beautiful bike that lives in the house), but I don’t understand why there’s clutter if you don’t have stuff to get rid of.
Back in December I spent some time trying to explain to a friend that I hate beets and wasn’t going to have them on my salad.  Someone mentioned raw beets for the salad and I said that I don’t like beets.  My friend said, oh I used to hate beets then I had them raw, I’m sure you’ll like them.  No thank you.  But they are so delicious raw, they really add to the salad.  No thank you.  You really should try them, they’re delicious raw!  I’ve tried cooked beets, I’ve tried raw beets, I’ve tried beet juice.  I hate beets.
The thing is - these things are impossible to explain.  I’m not neat, never have been.  Every time this discussion comes up with my mom she says, you’ve ALWAYS been that way.  I can’t explain why there aren’t places for things that should have places - I can only tell you that is the way it is.  I can’t explain to you why I don’t like a food - I can only tell you that I won’t eat it.  (And I do try stuff before making this statement).
If I could explain these things to you, they probably wouldn’t need to be explained.  If I could explain why things don’t have a place in my house, it’s very likely they would have a place.
And if they had a place I’d put them there.
And my house would be neat.
And I would never again have to attempt to explain why my house is a mess.
Because it wouldn’t be.
And if I liked all the foods everyone thinks I should like, I might not have the sugar addiction that brings us all here.
But I don’t.
When I was home at Christmas I was telling my family the beet story.  My dad said he read something that said picky eaters have more taste buds.
And since I have no idea what I’m talking about, I just googled and found this article that says people with more taste buds taste things that the rest of the population will never experience.  Thus we are labeled picky eaters and thought to be very high maintenance.
Though it does say that super sweet things aren’t appreciated by supertasters.  Initially I was thinking that doesn’t apply to me, but it really does.  Even when I’m on sugar some things will turn me off as too sweet.  But when I’m not on a super sugar bender (which I have been and is my explanation for not posting since 24 November, yikes) I really notice the sweetness of everything - have you ever noticed how sweet carrots are?  That’s one of the reasons I put them into my rice & beans dish last, if they cook too much their sweet takes over the whole dish.
Okay, maybe you will understand why I’m a picky eater, probably should have googled that before I started writing.
But you will never understand why my house is a mess, I just can’t explain it.  I really wish I could, because, like I said, if I could it probably wouldn’t be the case.